This blog entry is meant to be an educational piece, in a SkankTees kind of way, for males. If you have lady parts, you may read this, and may find it amusing, but probably less useful.
Every normal man masturbates, unless he's getting so much sex that he absolutely doesn't feel the need to, and then he probably is still knocking one off, occasionally. It's natural, and humans aren’t the only animals who service themselves. Certainly monkeys do it! Who hasn’t seen a monkey tossing one off at the zoo? Go ahead and YouTube search for “animal masturbation” and see if you don’t find bear, kangaroo, cockatiel, rat as well as monkeys and more! …Wait! Do that sh*t after you read this! Damn!

While masturbation is often considered dirty, or wrong in the case of religion. Masturbation is good because it releases sexual tension, sometimes, allowing for clarity in thought. Thoughts that are not clouded by sex are generally more productive in everyday life. Masturbation also prepares younger males for sex and the sexual experience. It allows a man to build some stamina, so he might last longer with a woman (or whatever he chooses to fornicate).

Now let's get to the title of this article, and the reason I'm writing this blog entry. It was a couple years ago (and I'm in my 40s) that I discovered a new method. One that I'm going to share with you, because I think it's that good! It’s a great simulation of a p*ssy (or your hole of choice), and you can make it with your hands! That's right, hands, plural! You're going to use both of them, so if you can’t get off without a finger in your butt, this isn’t for you.
1) Lace your fingers together, like you were going to boost someone up. 2) Close your palms together, and place your thumbs side by side. Now, bend your elbows and look at your thumbs (you might have tried to whistle through your hands, while looking something like this, when you were a kid). 3) Separate your thumbs just a bit. That's where your penis head is going to poke through (if your maker was kind enough to make you bigger than your hand). 4) Press your palms together and loosen your fingers slightly, creating an opening, front to back, of your cupped hands. 5) Now extend your arms down, straightening your elbows.
Your “hand-made love tunnel” should now be in a vulnerable position. All you have to do now is add some lube, and a boner, and you're ready! You can press with the heels of you hands and put pressure on the base of your penis, while your thumbs can extend straight to stimulate the top, or hook and put pressure on the sides, of your head.

Short of buying a synthetic device (respect to the Fleshlight! Use coupon code rogan for 15% off), I believe that this method actually feels more realistic than any one-handed grip. Even if your one hand is asleep, frozen, turned around backwards, and is the left one. Happy stroking, bitches!

Note: Guys! You might have your girl try this on you, for your first time, just in case one day you get caught pulling it on your own (this way she won’t secretly think you want to f*ck a parakeet)!
Ladies! Should you decide to try this on your man, be sure to have him read this article, too, otherwise, he’s gonna wonder…

Note 2: I just saw a new episode of “Louie” (episode 8 – “Come on, God”), on the FX channel, after writing this blog entry. It’s deals with the same topic, masturbation, and, oh my god, that show is it hilarious!