(May 2009) It started about a year ago, early on in the summer. I had a screened porch, with aluminum frames and roof, added to deck at the back of my house. It looks awesome, and now you can sit back there, and watch the ducks and wildlife around the pond, without the mosquitoes packing you off. The best part is that I can let the cat out on the porch without him running off, or getting packed off by the neighbor dog, or mosquitoes. I am thrilled to death with the new porch!

It was not more than a couple weeks later, when one morning I hear this strange sound come from the porch area. When I go to investigate, I find my cat in a strange, non-threatening posture, creeping up to investigate the squirrel firmly planted on my brand new f*cking screen!!! AHHHRRGGGGG! I march out onto the porch, and bark with righteous indignation“GET OFF MY SCREEN”! The stupid thing does this sprawled-out squirrel crawl up and across my screen, like it had been crawling screens all of its life. I clap my hands and yell at it some more, from only a couple feet away. “Get off! Off! Off! Off! It finally gets up speed and launches off the far end of the porch, into the grass, and up onto the tree in the neighbors yard. Once there, he stops and squawks up a storm, before retreating to the reaches of the upper branches. I think to myself “what the hell was on that things belly, were those nuts? He’s got some big nuts, either way. Bastard.” To my amazement, there are no visible signs of the squirrel clutching to my screen. Still, f*ck him! I did not build a squirrel highway!

(Score: Squirrel 1 Human 0)

A few days later, I hear an odd thud. I go out on the back porch to investigate, but don’t see anything unusual. Then I hear this clicking sound, which quickly becomes apparent of the sound of tiny footfalls, on an aluminum roof. I sneak back into the house, and grab most effective weapon I can muster, on the fly. I come back, and with the straw end of the broom, pop the roof right under him! Boom! He leaps! I heard him land, and I started sweeping the ceiling, under him, making all kinds of noise. He retreats back to his tree, squawking and chattering. I eventually see him cross the yard, in the grass…

(Score: Squirrel 1 Human 1)

On another particular morning, the sliding door had been open for a while, and for quite some time something had been bugging me. It was an audible annoyance that I hadn’t even recognized, as such, at first. It was nature… “What the hell is squawking outside?” I go out on the porch, to investigate why any animal would be making so much noise. The same noise, over, and over, and over again. I cannot see the source of the squawking, but I am getting closer, and it is obviously in the tree next to my porch. I finally open the screen door and step outside, to get a better look. SQUEEAAAA… it squawks in my ear! I turn and see squirrel-nuts, poised on a branch above my head, no more than 6 feet away. SQUEEAAAA… he let’s go another one, and adjusts his posture, still staring me down. He does not retreat, however, after a few seconds of survival instinct telling me to stand still, I do.

(Score: Squirrel 2 Human 1)

Completely unnerved, and pissed off, that I just got punked by a squirrel, I retreat to the garage. “Let’s see how he likes a chainsaw-on-a-stick (aka pole-saw). F*cker!” Okay, after a moment to consider safety, in my agitated state, I decide on a long pole, instead. I make my way to the back yard with my extending paint brush handle, and the refreshed memory of my first squirrel kill (albeit 30 some years ago, with a Daisy BB gun), and demonstrate my dominance and cunning over this overbearing backyard rat.

(Score: Squirrel 2 Human 2)

As time passes, I catch the little bastard crossing the “screen-highway”, time and again. I don’t know if he’s heading over to the neighbor’s tree to knock off some squirrel tail, or if he’s playing with his nut collection. I’ve tried squirting him with the water bottle, which is quite effective for feline discipline, but barely a distraction for an irreverent squirrel. I’ve considered upgrading to my .40 caliber, but then the reality of holes in the screen, police reports, and freaked out neighbors sets in. Besides, I don’t want him particularly dead, just not alive on my screen.

I recently found him on the screen, just a couple feet up from the ground, with my cat just inches away, on the other side. In my socked-feet, I walk up and bang on the frame of the screen. He moves a few inches. I bang harder, and curse at the contemptible little thing! “Meh… not really concerned with you, human” Was the vibe that I got! A size 10.5 Get the f*ck off! Was what he got! He launched into the grass, more from his own leap than my foot connecting with his belly, and ran over to his/my tree, where he stops. He looks back at me, squawks and chirps, then climbs up on the first branch, a little above eye level for me, and postures back and forth, squawking at me a few more times. He’s pissed!

(Score: Squirrel 2 Human 3)

I stand there, and watch the little bastard for a while, and he watches me. After a few minutes he decides to come back down the tree. I’m thinking “okay, this little shit has some balls, but seriously, he’s coming back for more?” I’m standing about a foot from the screen, at the scene of the last altercation, challenging defiance. He hops out, a few feet, into the yard, and stops to check me out. He hops a few more feet, and stops and raises up for a look, again. In my best “Achmed the Dead Terrorist” voice, I eek out “I keel you!” Squirrel-nuts wisely continued on his grassy path. I return to my abode, amused with myself. “It’s on, Squirrel-Nuts!”

There is still no notable damage to the screens, from the squirrel, by the way. My poor cat may need therapy, however, if Squirrel-Nuts keep showing blatant disregard for his feline masculinity!

Update 2011: While this article was written over two years ago, the accompanying video was taken recently. Yes, the little bastards (there’s a handful of them) are winning. That being said, I live in a deed restricted community, with close neighbors, where it would be seriously frowned upon to harm the wildlife. Anybody know of an infrared night scope that will fit a Crossman?