As a proud follower of Deathsquad podcasts I often see similarities between myself and Redban, the main 2 being making silly comments at times where really you should be keeping your mouth shut, and our impossible avoidance of crazy bitches.

Most of my stories are about my crazy younger days but this new one is very recent. Probably the straw thats broke the camels back. My dick basically almost killed me, although not for the 1st time this was most definately the scariest and for this reason alone, I think its time to grow the fuck up and actually using my brain from now on instead of the little champer!

So cut back to 2 weeks ago and I get a random txt from an old fuck buddy saying she wanted to hook up again. Immediately remembering we had some fun I agreed and we arranged to meet up for some shenanigans. The fuck date was postponed a few times because she shares a flat with brother and well lets face it, you wouldn't like hearing your younger sister getting the back end blown clean off her would you?! So eventually we hooked up, had a good night and headed to sleep.

At 5am I woke up hearing a phone ring, checking mine I realised it wasn't for me, so I nudged the bitch to tell her her phone was ringing, she looked at hers, turned it off and we went back to sleep. About ten minutes later BANG BANG BANG at the door. At 1st I thought I was dreaming, I got up, took a piss and went back to bed. BANG BANG BANG again, this time I heard a guy call her name, her brothers home, its cool, we're only sleeping now.

Suddenly, she jumped up FUCK! you need to go. I said what its fucking 5am?! Then I realised why, she said, Ryan I have a boyfriend now, you need to go my brother can't know my boyfriend and him are best friends. I think how the fuck am I supposed to do this, by then she had dressed me.

Im standing in her room thinking... her brothers at the door, how the fuck do I get out! I didnt want to land her in the shit and put her in any unconfortable situation... so I thought fuck it I'll go out the window. I went to the window to open it, drawing back the curtains I realised I was in a 1st floor flat.

I sucked it up, got my car keys, edged onto the other side of the window preparing to jump, which I was thinking was going to lead to my death, then I heard a buzz, Someone was leaving the flat as I was stood on the outside to go to their work.

Immediately I was thinking fuck I'm done for. This cunts going to see me standing on a window ledge and phone the police. With her brother now in the house she wouldn't cover for me as it would land her in the shit so I just froze.... Stood still shitting myself. I watched as this guy went to his car, defrosted it was icy that morning and then drive away. I got away with it, thank fuck it was still dark!

I slowly hung myself off the ledge and dropped about 15/20 foot going over on my ankle, but apart from that I was ok, I hobbled away to my car, and headed home. From this day fourth, I vow never to let my dick get me in trouble again!

Peace out troops! I hope you enjoy my stories, I put alot of work into them, I almost died on this one haha!!

Respect the man in the ice cream van! RAMBO X

hit me up on twitter @weerambo Tags: weerambo skanktees #deathsquad